Today is a new day. We're not teens anymore... the dating scene has new players and many of them have divorces and children under their belts. For some reason, step-parenting is still taboo in the church (time to change... its all around us). Here are a couple pics of my favorite celebrity blended families (shamelessly silly I know):
Russell Simmons and his brood...
Kris Kardashian and her crowd...
Most single woman over 25 have been forced to broaden their views on what constitutes an "eligible bachelor." If you are still in the bunch saying "I'll never date a divorced man or a man with kids'" ...then good luck with that one!
Last Q - how did you come to terms with dating a man with 3 kids
This morning, I got a text message from a friend looking for advice on dating a man with children... She asked SO MANY good questions that I have to share my response with you. I applaud her openness in seeking advice. I encourage you to share this with your friends considering the role of step-motherhood...
Disclaimer: This is definitely a work-in-progress! I'm interested to hear if you agree or disagree with the advice that I shared, so feel free to give feedback...
Dear friend:
To answer your questions -
First Q - how to make it work and get to the point of saying I DO?
I know that God led us together and brought us to the point of saying I DO. Sometimes, with relationships, success comes in NOT planning and simply trusting God's will and just living your life. If He wants you to be in love with your boyfriend and eventually get married, He will make that so plain to you that you have no choice but to follow Him.
Next Q - how to plan quality time?
When we first met, Chris had custody of the kids every other week! This meant that often, I could only hang out with him every other week! I was very anxious about spending time with him. I would even shamefully get a little jealous of the time he had to spend with the kids. But you have to:
1. realize that a father spending time with his kids is invaluable, so appreciate what he is doing and have patience;
2. realize that because you are dating a man with kids, you are going to get LESS QT than you would with a man without kids. If you are really needy, and you love attention like that, then you may want to reconsider. You dont want to come between a father and his children. You can be a blessing to all of them if you have patience and are willing to share your man with his children.
3. realize that in time, if it's Gods will, you will get married and be a family. With patience, you will get to the point where you dont have to share him like that because you will all be spending time together for the most part.
Next Q - how to keep your relationship healthy and spiritually rooted?
Keeping your relationship wholesome can be a challenge. One great quote is "Feed the Spirit, starve the flesh." This means, introduce positive things into your relationship - good music, christian activities, christian couples to hang out with, devotion, spiritual conversation, etc. Starve the flesh means be smart about avoiding compromising situations. This is all very generic advice, but we can talk in person on this one more if you want... Great question!
Next Q - how long to wait before meeting the kids?
I suggest meeting children before you officially start dating. They called me Ms. Raquel (to show respect) and I was introduced as "daddy's friend." This was important for several reasons:
(1) if you are going to date a man with kids, then you are going to also be in a relationship with the kids. You are not simply deciding that you like the man. You must also decide if you like the way he has raised his children, and want to be in their lives...
(2) I made sure that the meeting was interactive and not just a date with me and chris with the kids on the side... We went swimming and played video games (do stuff that they like to do). That initial meeting will often shape the way the children feel about you in the future. Try not monopolize their dad's time. Also, dont try super hard to impress them and be all in their faces... in the future that kind of behavior will set the wrong precedent.
(3) At the end of the afternoon I went home - gotta keep things appropriate to be a good example. One day they may be your step-kids, and you wouldn't want them to stay out late over a new boyfriend or girlfriend's house etc...
There is so much I could say about meeting the kids -
- Be patient. Decide if you want to be in his life seriously before he introduces you as his girlfriend. You dont want the kids to grow up with a warped sense of dating because they saw daddy date every girl on the block....
Next Q: how do you handle Mama Drama?
- we didn't have any AT ALL. This is important. Chris established and set the tone from the very beginning. He has a relationship with his children that is familial and loving and interactive and permanent. He has a relationship with their mother that is cordial and respectful, temporary (until the kids are 18) and has boundaries (no midnight calling/texting/screaming/fighting/foolishness). Its important that he convey this to the mother of his children because the way that he treats her will dictate the way that she treats you. When I first met the kid's mom, we hugged and chatted a little.... of course it was awkward. BUT there was no disrespect or drama, and that's the important part.
EG White writes about how step children are a blessing to wives. It's pretty deep. If you want to read it, I will share my copy of Adventist Home with you. Honestly, it took a LONG TIME to realize that the children were my blessing. I kept a lot of the doubt and confusion to myself (important... Telling all your friends and family if you're embarrassed or ashamed can hurt your relationship. It is sacred, so talk to each other. Its ok to share feelings with a trusted friend... but in the future, when you have come to terms with it, you dont want the whole community to look at you thinking about the negative feelings that you used to have).
I learned with time to present the kids to people positively because they are my blessing. When I introduced the kids to my extended family, they got a warm welcome because my family felt that I warmly welcomed them into my heart. If you marry this man, you will be their mommy too. You have to protect them from embarrassment and hurt... that's your job. So, practice being strong and not ashamed. Love and family is not at all about natural born children v. children inherited by marriage... It's about love and family, period. Family is what you make it.
Hope that helps a little. Call me anytime you just need to talk... I know what you're going through.
Raquel
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